The Flight from Intimacy

December 31, 2007
In 1987, Melody Beattie introduced codependence to the masses with her bestseller Codependent No More. The Weinholds, husband-and-wife psychologists and cofounders of the Carolina Institute for Conflict Resolution & Creative Leadership, weighed in with 1999's Breaking Free of the Co-Dependency Trap (recently republished by NWL); here, they look at counter-dependence, the little-discussed, hard-to-pin-down yin to co-dependency's yang. Counter-dependency is characterized by controlling and self-centered behavior: where co-dependents cling to others, counter-dependents push them away; where co-dependents have low self esteem, counter-dependents have "falsely inflated self-esteem"; co-dependents are people-pleasers, whereas counter-dependents are people controllers. The results are "loneliness, alienation and a sense of 'quiet desperation.'" The Weinholds do a clear and thorough job discussing and dissecting counter-dependency as a key factor behind failed relationships, and also make a case for its role in high profile church scandals, post-traumatic stress disorder in returning soldiers and even the collapse of the housing market. Packed with information taken from the Weinholds' 23 years of research and counseling, this isn't a light read, but case studies, charts and exercises, along with practical tips, keep things moving. While the notion that unresolved childhood issues continue to play out in adult relationships is nothing new, the Weinholds' insight and emphasis on self-sufficiency should help readers break free from dysfunctional behavioral patterns.

March 31, 2008
In 1987, Melody Beattie introduced codependence to the masses with her bestseller Codependent No More. The Weinholds, husband-and-wife psychologists and cofounders of the Carolina Institute for Conflict Resolution & Creative Leadership, weighed in with 1999's Breaking Free of the Co-Dependency Trap (recently republished by NWL); here, they look at counter-dependence, the little-discussed, hard-to-pin-down yin to co-dependency's yang. Counter-dependency is characterized by controlling and self-centered behavior: where co-dependents cling to others, counter-dependents push them away; where co-dependents have low self esteem, counter-dependents have "falsely inflated self-esteem"; co-dependents are people-pleasers, whereas counter-dependents are people controllers. The results are "loneliness, alienation and a sense of 'quiet desperation.'" The Weinholds do a clear and thorough job discussing and dissecting counter-dependency as a key factor behind failed relationships, and also make a case for its role in high profile church scandals, post-traumatic stress disorder in returning soldiers and even the collapse of the housing market. Packed with information taken from the Weinholds' 23 years of research and counseling, this isn't a light read, but case studies, charts and exercises, along with practical tips, keep things moving. While the notion that unresolved childhood issues continue to play out in adult relationships is nothing new, the Weinholds' insight and emphasis on self-sufficiency should help readers break free from dysfunctional behavioral patterns.

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